It’s uncharted territory to begin an open relationship, whether you’re just starting or have been together for years. The ground rules that keep things from turning into a jealous mess are different in every relationship, no matter how many times you’ve tried the open thing before.
There is no reason open relationships can’t succeed or be as stable as monogamous ones. Experts agree that strong open relationship have one thing in common: mutually agreed-upon ground rules.
It’s about protecting yourself and your partner, says Matt Lundquist, a licensed clinical social worker. Some rules are just practical-enjoy using protection to reduce the risk of getting or spreading an STI. “Rules also provide emotional safety for all parties,” Lundquist says. “Many of these prevent jealousy’s consequences.”
Relationship therapist Rachel Sussman says the main thing to discuss is pretty straightforward. It’s imperative to ask each person what an open relationship means to them.
While “open implies one has a kind of ethical ‘permission’ to seek or stumble upon a new partner.” Lundquist says, there is some flexibility in how an open relationship is defined—10 couples would probably give you 10 different answers.
You should establish some ground rules before you start the whole open relationship thing and see how it affects your partner.
- Defining Sexual Boundaries
Make sure your sexual rules include safe sexual practices. Lundquist’s advice is specific. For penetrative sex, will you use a condom? Is your partner likely to use a dental dam? Would you want your hook-ups to be STI-screened? What are your screening plans? Lundquist says everyone needs to feel safe sexually. It is important to discuss what your partner needs to feel safe.
- Set emotional boundaries
Navigating emotional guidelines can be even more challenging. Despite saying they won’t get jealous, Sussman says they often do. Are you able to have sex without developing feelings for someone? If you do, how will you and your partner handle it?
- Decide with whom you’d like to hook up.
Open relationships don’t (usually) mean “open to everyone.” Before you enter an open relationship make sure you identify the people you are comfortable with being intimate with.
It is also important to consider the relationship status of your outside partners. You should only have a sexual relationship with someone who has no partner or whose partner is cool with it. For example, Lundquist says.
- Decide how much time you will spend with other partners.
Once you’ve established boundaries, experts recommend figuring out how much time each of you will spend on open relationships.
You should decide whether you’ll actively or passively explore other relationships. Are you planning to use your Bumble profile to meet new people and fit them into your date-night schedule with your current partner, or will you wait for someone to cross your path?
Whatever you decide, set some time limits for spending time with others. A brand-new relationship can feel obsessive when you’re having sex with someone new, Sussman says. “Discuss with your partner how to manage that.”
- Discuss your relationships with each other and others in a way that works for you.
Here are two main points to discuss: Will you talk about outside hookups? If so, how much detail? A certain amount of trial and error is likely, Sussman says. Hearing that your partner was just with someone else might make you angry. Or it might turn you on.
After having discussed your open relationship with each other. Agree on how to discuss it with others, if at all. Lundquist says it’s possible to feel embarrassed or that others won’t understand. You should always check with your partner before revealing something private in a relationship.”
- Decide how often you’ll check-in
For many open relationships, Sussman says, you have to see what happens. Although guidelines are helpful, they should also allow both partners’ feelings to change. In an open relationship, Sussman suggests regular check-ins. We may not apply the rules we set now a few years from now.
What is the one golden rule you should follow? Be honest about everything in your relationship. Make some edits if one of your open relationship rules isn’t working.